It’s not denial, I just call it turtle mode.

I have this terrible habit of completely shutting down when we hit a rough patch.  Not on a personal level, just financially (Because that’s how grownups handle stress, they just bury their heads in the sand and say FUCK IT  I QUIT).  The new job has a fun policy that you don’t get paid for the first full month and isn’t that just delightful (When the owner told me that my jaw dropped and he very cheerily said, “But that’s okay, you have a last paycheck from your last job so you’ll be fine with that and your savings!  Uh, what savings dude?  I AM POOR, YOU MET ME WHILE I WAS WAITING ON YOU AT A FUCKING CRACKER BARREL).  What that meant was that I didn’t get paid from October 23rd to December 1st.  And what THAT means is the bills didn’t get paid in November.  It’s not going to be a very generous Christmas this year since we’re using one month’s salary to pay two months of bills.  Go team no-repossession!

I’m beginning to wonder if telling Jake not to go back to work was a good idea.  The plan was he’d be focused on his GED but he doesn’t really seem very committed to getting it.  I asked him about it tonight and he assured me he’d start working on it on Monday.  If he doesn’t I’m going to have to reconsider our situation because it just doesn’t make sense for me to be killing myself at work and barely getting the bills covered to give him more time to play Grand Theft Auto V.

Please let me be clear, before this even gets started.  My husband is not a deadbeat or a moocher or lazy in any way.  He has been busting his ass working dead end jobs since he was 16 years old because that’s when he left home and was entirely on his own.  He had no option but to leave school and start making his own way and this is the first time in our lives that we’ve had the option of letting him go back to school and make something of himself.  I think he’s almost scared of the idea at this point because he’s never really let himself consider what he might actually WANT to do and as such is dragging his feet a bit.  While he is home every day he cooks, cleans, does laundry, checks in on me, and takes care of our dogs.  Because of my job I have absolutely no time to do any of that so what he is doing is invaluable to our day-to-day life.  My thoughts are that if he’s not ready to commit yet, maybe we should find something at least part time for him.

I have been so stressed about money that I haven’t slept more than two hours a night in weeks.  When I got my check yesterday the first thing I did was call and pay all my bills.  All I owe is a credit card payment and my car note, and then I need to call my student loan holder and explain what’s going on so I can get that payment lowered a bit.   Stress eating has been through the goddamn roof so go me, gaining 5 pounds of stress weight was exactly what I was trying to do with the 5k training and everything else.  Oh well.  All I can do is get back to work.

I just finished school and it didn’t go as well as I wanted.  All the stress and my issues with SAD (seasonal affective disorder) put me in a funk and I flat quit doing the work for a couple of weeks before I could snap myself out of it.  Unfortunately that was enough to sink my grades so I’ll be retaking one next semester.  It’ll be okay.

The other fun thing is that I’ll be teaching a Summer on Stage class at the gallery in which I have my studio.  I’m very excited about it, I’ll be doing two sessions at 3 weeks a piece.  The theme is “Cops and Robbers”, I’m choreographing a couple of songs (Smooth Criminal for sure) and then I’m getting the rights to do four or five short acts.  It’s going to pay extremely well and I love that I get to do it.  The only problem I can see is that it runs from 9-3 for 6 weeks, right in the middle of the summer.  I have the sneaking idea they’re not going to give me the time off so I either have to quit work or somehow talk them into giving it to me.

Anyway, that’s where I’ve been for a while.  I’m going to wake up tomorrow at 7 and do some planks and that’s going to be awesome.  AWESOME I SAY.

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