I’m not sure when exactly I completely lost control of my life. I’m going to guess it was somewhere around the time the strip turned pink on that little stick but I’d be lying if I said I ever really had total control over things.
I have a fairly modern marriage. Gender roles have no place in this house, what needs to get done falls to whoever is there to do it. To whit, my husband was a SAH for about a year while I worked a full time job and we were in HEAVEN. Seriously ladies, if you’ve got a husband who’ll go for it and there’s a way to pull it off, do that. It’s fantastic.
So you can imagine my surprise at sitting here in the middle of a workday wearing a pair of yoga pants that are NEVER going to go to yoga surrounded by exersaucers and stackable rings as I clean applesauce off the coffee table.
I just realized I’m still watching The Muppets. I put the kid down for a nap half an hour ago.
Basically? A complete lack of options.
When we decided to try for a baby, Jake had a great job, I was doing great at mine, things were ideal. Without getting into too much detail, things fell apart. I lost my job, his company sold and the new owners cut salaries, things got REALLY bad. Like, so bad my friends started a Go Fund Me for us. We got through that, Jake got great job, and I started working for a photography studio. After the holidays ended I was working maybe 12 hours a week, and found myself home a lot. We’ve always agreed that if you’re the one working less, you take on more of the housework, so I started cleaning. Then I worked on our budget and got the bills under control. Then the meal-planning.
One day Jake mentioned how much he loved me being a SAHM and I think I delivered kittens on the couch. I am NOT a stay at home, no way no how. That’s for women with highlights and SUVs and… other stuff?
JFC I’m a stay at home mom.
I immediately panicked and insisted on going back to work. We sat down and ran the numbers on how much I would need to bring in to make it worth the expense of a quality daycare and quickly realized I’d be working to send my kid to daycare. I’m sure that’s how a lot of women become SAHMs.
Sure, there were less expensive day cares in our area but I’m picky about who has access to my baby. Shifty’s Kid Watchin’ doesn’t quite make the cut at $200 a week.
It’s a little awkward because I have like, four mom friends, only one is a SAHM, and she does stuff during the day so it’s not like I can just grab her and run off on a whim. Plus, you know, I have a baby with a schedule and while normally I’m pretty firm on him working into our lives, nap times are non-negotiable. I mean he’s seriously an awesome baby but without that nap my life becomes a very difficult place.
I’m sure I’ll figure it out, I just need to join a Mommy and Me group and suppress all my weirdness until they’ve known me long enough that I can let it out in small bursts and be considered funny.
So now instead of getting up at 6 to run out the door with bleary eyes and carrying my shoes, I wake up at 6, put the baby in his play area, and lay on the couch wishing for death while Tarzan plays on an infinite loop in the background. Phil Collins haunts my dreams. I spend most of my time trying to convince him crawling is a super cool thing he really wants to try while keeping him from letting the dogs lick his mouth and when he naps I blog and research developmentally helpful ways to play with him. But I have full access to my fridge and I can wear jimjams as long as I want every day so I consider that a win.